I’ve noticed this point, within talking with a buddy of mine, on a messenger that I have this point, when describing something I haven’t yet sorted out, to want to automatically present an issue, in a way like I am superior towards the situation, and automatically hide the issue, and the actuality of it, within taking the position of seeming superiority within the situation. This might sound obvious — from the perspective that it’s something usual to ‘hide’ the weakness from others — but it was quite ‘noticable’, and evident, while I wasn’t at all intending that in any way whatsoever. I just automatically went into that ‘mode’ of presenting myself deceptively in the context of the situation that I was describing, just because I was writing with somebody.
And that is something that I have been allowing, in terms of presenting myself, and it started basically at the point that I cannot even pinpoint. Basically I don’t remember exactly, when I started to present myself specifically to show myself in specific ways to people around me, but I know that at some point I have taken this justification, that I am misrepresenting myself as a defense mechanism.
What I remember are situations, where as a kid I would present myself in certain specific ways, to get what I wanted from the parent. So, presenting myself differently then what I am really, was something that I started to participate very soon. It basically was for me always a personality ‘split’ that I have presented to people, and justified it mostly with fear (of a potential threat or danger), and I was quite aware of many situations where I was obviously ‘playing’ that, just to ‘get along’ in situations, in accordance to my judgment of situation I was confronted with. Because my point of ‘masking’ myself through presenting certain personalities towards people I interacted, was always in accordance, to what I believed about the people, and situations, where I have been adjusting my presentation consciously, subconsciously and unconsciously, to the situation that I perceived as real. Which is what I find very important to note, because I have found already multiple times, that how I was judging certain events and situations, were not what was real. And so also, that what I have presented as this ‘mask’ of personality towards certain people, in certain groups, weren’t also the actual expressions, but in accordance to how I have perceived the situations, and myself in the context of them, according to my judgment.
But getting back to the point, I have allowed extensively the point of perceiving myself as using this ‘mask’ of personality, that I would present myself as in certain specific situations, in relation to specific groups of beings — to be justified with fear based excuses, meaning that, I have often said to myself in such events (while knowing that I am lying/compromising myself/misrepresenting) that I do it out of being defensive, in terms of: “If I don’t do that, then this-and-this might happen” as an imagination of ‘negative’ consequence of not ‘masking’ and misrepresenting myself in a situation that according to my judgment, required that.
And through living that, over and over again, I’ve developed this automated point I’ve started with. Within which I don’t really care to present myself as superior, to get any kind of gratification from the point of being ‘better’. But to just try to ‘hide’ that what I haven’t faced, and haven’t resolved, and so developing a tendency and an automated behavior to automatically superimpose in how I am presenting something, as ‘no-problem’ (that I am superior to the problem, situation) automatically, in a situation where I am just simply expressing something I feel insecure about. And in that I am also hiding behind the superiority ‘mask’ of personality presented to someone, the actual reality of the situation and my participation within the situation — from myself.