Self-definition of a Rebel personality

I have just watched a video by Bernard, about rebels.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VES4B3ZP9p4

And I must say it has moved some energetic points of self-definition within and as me. Because I have been calling myself a rebel and defining myself as a rebel. And then later on I would discover a self-deception, and go into shame or self-judgment towards myself, how can I say or define myself as a rebel — if I am not standing even as this point? This is something that has been going on within me, because I pushed on the ‘chains’ that bind (as self-limitation) to change, for change. And this point is something that will be important. In each and every single one’s life, meaning that it’s something that is going to be experienced by many, as it started to rise out in people’s experiences, the dishonesty is great, it’s the very motor of human nature and existence from within and as the mind. And it’s something that each and every single one is gonna fuck themselves up with, before the changes can take place, and there is many dimensions of the human mind, just like there are many dimensions of the human acceptances and allowances within and as the mind — as which we, as humans exist.

But nevertheless, what is to be rebel actually? Because there is this point of ‘self-definition’, when self-definition is being allowed, it will fuck each one up. Because it’s of the mind, so how can one be a rebel and define himself as a rebel? I mean the act of defining oneself is a problem in itself, because then an idea will be created about self in the mind, and that is quite fucked up. Because then I would start to think about myself as a ‘rebel’ and act this way, and compare myself to the idea I would held about myself as a rebel. And I’ve been there already, because most of my life I was a rebel. Because there were so much point’s that I went to be ‘antagonistic to’ — because of their, uselessness, stupidity etc — that I have been very much defining myself as a rebel. A rebel, but what does that mean?

Rebelling against who? Against what? What’s the point of being a rebel? — in terms of fighting. I mean there is no ‘point’ in particular as a singularity that can be attacked. Well that is not true, from a certain perspective, because there are points, that are specifically responsible because everything has a systematic form and structure and the points, and the relationships of points, in such situation are very specific. What do I mean by that, is that there’s nothing that can be actually blamed for ‘singularly’ for that what is going on. Because there are many points contributing within this system and structure to the whole. It’s like working on yourself and with your mind, one will notice soon that one cannot ‘banish’ fear, or something, because to deal with this point of ‘fear’ one actually need to take on the whole construct, the whole structure, of the mind — personality. It cannot get separated and dealt with individually with a singular point, that’s why self-forgiveness is cool in mapping out stuff, you get to know yourself, and to realize where certain points interact, you realize the relationship between certain specific points, and you can stand up from them — when you have actually went ‘deep’ and got to know your nature, and how that certain specific aspect got generated (just like other points) from within and as your nature as the mind directed being.

So, that is quite the specificity of things, it’s same with being rebellious. It’s useless if you’re a rebel against some ‘singular’ point, because you’ll probably get possessed on the point. I have in my life tried to figure out things, why certain things were fucked up, and what fucked me up, was my own nature, my own mind, my own self-dishonesty. When I started to apply self-honesty — and hear me say — I have perceived myself throughout my life as a very self-honest person, because I have compared myself to others, and in that comparison I could easily perceive myself as a more self-honest person, because what people do in general is mainly BS and it’s not hard to get beyond that in certain points, but the point of actual self-honesty, of actually living self-honesty, it’s a veeery different thing. It really means to take on stuff and live it as yourself. Not just taking certain specific points in self-honesty, and compare myself to others thinking that I am superior. Because that is just bullshit, that I have allowed through comparing myself.

So anyway going back to the point of rebelliousness, that what I wrote just above, was the whole point of defining myself as rebellious. Because I have been self-honest only in certain specific points, and through comparison to others, I have created these self-definitions of myself as somewhat ‘more self-honest’, superior to others, because I have seen the BS, because I started to work on myself. And I started to work on myself because I have perceived others to be superior to me, and I thought that it’s only me that is ‘behind’, because I have believed in what people presented or spoke directly. And that led me to perceive my inner world (in terms of all kinds of emotional turmoils and issues) as something that people don’t experience that much, and that I am generating myself. And again, paradoxically, that is true — because the inner turmoil generated by thoughts, emotions, is actually generated be self, by each and every one, and it’s something that each one created and that they experience alone, and that it’s only ‘theirs’ because each ones beliefs, are self-created, and people experience them and project them believing to be real — but they aren’t, they cannot be, there is no way to make beliefs true. They are just constructed out of thoughts, useless and unnecessary bullshit. And each and every single person is responsible for their beliefs because they have created them, and allowed them to thrive, and kept on participating in them.

Quite funny now as I see more and more insanity going up to the surface — in the news and in my direct reality — this point of peoples beliefs, ideas, mind created thought constructs and generated emotions, are totally possessing people. And all kind of weird shit and expressions come up from them. Usually that kind of bullshit was used to manipulate (for instance screaming at someone to manipulate them into fear, or guilt) now I am noticing that people are literally loosing control of themselves, and get ‘consumed’ by their own ‘demons’, as the thought constructs. Which is quite a cool show to watch, because it’s finally ‘getting out’. Usually I was dealing with my shit, and was quite self-aware of my inner crap, and people acted ‘normal’, while they were fucking ‘demons’ from time to time in a very ‘controlled’ manner. So much precisely and specifically that each one got what they wanted out of all that . Now it’s getting more cool, cause I see people fucking themselves up with that self-created shit.
I am sure that many beings, especially at young age, go and went through similar experiences, and I that is cool now in the context, that at least from time to time the mind-fucked people will show their nature uncontrollable, and some people might realize, that there is ‘maybe’ something wrong with that — hahahaha xD.

Anyway rebel, rebel, rebel — am I a rebel? I have always defined myself ‘somewhere in the background with that’, and this is true, that when you know your own nature and capabilities, you will stand also for others as yourself, yourself that you have realized and within realizing the equality of all life. Obviously it might be that people won’t notice that kind of stuff, and it’s not so relevant. Because there — it’s not done ‘for someone’ but I am doing it rather ‘as someone’, meaning that it’s the very self in expression. And accepting BS would then be suppression.

Rebels — those who want to break the ‘chains’ and don’t accept beliefs, and don’t want to accept the conventions, pre-made rules, already planned ways of things, that others accept and conform to, not questioning, not going in depth, not trying to actually figure out and understand. This is not about fighting somebody, it is rather fighting with self, but that is not also so. Because fighting with self is just another point of a cycling polarity, that traps oneself in delusion, finding an enemy like the ‘ego’ or whatever. Rather then that really what it means — is to actually live, the living as one and equal, so that it’s ‘real’. It’s not about apparent things, it’s not about ‘banners’ or ‘apparitions’ of any kinds. And fighting is something that is artificial, because there must be a point of separation, an enemy to fight with, to rebel against. And that is a trap, and it is not rebelling, it is also acceptance of a ‘cycle’ or ‘rule’ of limitation that we get caught up in so easily.

The point with Desteni is that you see people that tell you: go back to your life, here, where it actually is, look at what you are thinking, look at what you are accepting through your beliefs, look now why are you lying to yourself, why do you experience fear, anger, all emotions and possessions, and they state the obvious question — does it really have to be like that? And — how can that be practically, specifically changed and dealt with. This is simplicity, this is obvious, I have never really understood why people around me — when I was growing up and later on — are accepting the things like they are, as they are, and do not question, do not want to actually, realistically do something, move in some direction, actually. But accept those damn ‘roles’ that are pre-made, those damn positions, that doesn’t mean anything. I have always thought, that they accept that shit, because it’s ‘the only way’ or that it’s ‘not possible’ to change something. And that they have tried, but it didn’t worked. And when I would ask — that is the answer that I would get: “I have tried, and I was young as yourself, and it didn’t worked” or “You’ll see what I mean by that when you’ll grow up”. And within those statements, there were judgments and prejudices, because those people older then me, have thought that I am ‘like them’ for instance that the reason that I am questioning something, is coming out of being young and having an ‘ego’ that I can ‘do anything’ (like this ‘naive’ point of belief) — because they for instance came from that point, and so they would relate to me from this perspective and say the above.

But what the hell, I mean then I wasn’t realizing that it came from such points. And I have feared, that emotions, or the mind, cannot be transcended in any way whatsoever, because I have believed these words, in those words. And I have ‘believed’ that since people that live longer then me, and probably have more experience then me, must know something, because they ‘ALL’ agreed on many points. And for me it was simply stupid, and I didn’t understood why those things don’t get questioned. I’ve created this point of inferiority based on that, and I started to perceive that what people say, present is real. But it never really was so, because I was aware of the inner mind shit (in terms of secret thoughts and emotional turmoils) inside of me, I created the idea that it is me, that it’s me having bullshit mind-fucks. Because sometimes I would notice that, that what I am experiencing within my mind, are bullshit fuck ups. And so by simplistically realizing that, I have perceived that it’s quite within me, the whole problem, that I am the source in terms of generating that shit, but I couldn’t stop it in any way. At least I didn’t knew how to do it, so I was just trying to ‘get by’ on the outside, and on the inside tried to deal with the ‘inner bullshit’. Because I have perceived it as my own ‘inner bullshit’, just like many situations with people, where people would all of a sudden go into some abusive behaviour, I would — because of the reaction that I created within myself through the mind — work on it, and not really see something wrong with the outside world to much, because I have noticed that I am really experiencing such points extensively and for long periods, and all other people seem to just go around fuck around, and just act alike it’s ok this way. So I have perceived myself as having these ‘issues’ myself, and I was just trying to deal with them with whatever there was, because that was self-abusive shit.

And in that very often I have experienced this belief that it’s somehow already ‘pre-made’, like the physical reality, that I ‘cannot do anything about it’ and it’s like this, and that I have to accept it, like everyone else. Like this ‘god’ point, or ‘creator’ principle. That I am just a part of creation, or I am in a already pre-made creation, that I have to simply accept, and cannot do anything about it.

When I started to realize that people spread such bullshit, that something cannot be changed, out of their own beliefs and submission, and spread their miserability to others, and treat it like it’s real — after I actually started to deal with myself, and started changing points that are regarded as, unchangeable — I started to be reaaaaally angry. And I mean reeeaaaaly, how can someone spread such limitation, they don’t know, and when I would realize that stuff I would really experience this charge, project it towards the being in my mind (blaming the person, that, fuck this person is fucked, it’s useless to even talk with them) or would challenge the person and their bullshit (and treat it to much personally, from the perspective of regarding myself as more self-honest and building myself on such points as a “rebel” of some sort). But it’s important to note, that it was me that I have allowed myself in the first place to believe that the pictures people present, are ‘real’. I allowed myself to believe myself to be isolated, to be ‘special’ because I have believed that it’s me experiencing the inner mind-fucks and that people don’t experience it so much, because they pretend that everything is cool, and are very deceptive.

The point of others telling me what is ‘possible’ and what is ‘not possible’. Seeing me as a child, and then further on through prejudices. And judging me as ‘them’ in their mind relating a picture of themselves to me. This point went ‘more and more’ as I was growing up and living in the system (“in the system”, seems to be really suitable for that, because people act as the system, there is no such point, that people are not part of the system [which is another belief that I held about myself, and thus others] it’s all a very specified working structure). So yeah this is another point, that is ‘surfacing’ in my writing here, that I have believed myself and others to be not ‘of a system’, on which I have also mind-fucked myself with. Because I have perceived others as myself, that they are like me as me, so why should I even take in consideration that they cannot do something — “if I can do it, everyone can” thing.

But going back to the point of this point of others just going out of their projections, and prejudices towards me, and telling me shit about ‘what’s possible’ and ‘what’s not’ — it’s quite fucked, and I have lived in this believe in fear of this idea for some time. It’s like this idea of ‘god’, because ‘god’ was also for me that idea, that there’s a fucker who decides about shit, and that I have to be somewhat aligning my action in accordance to, or else I will get fucked. When I used to pray, I did it only out of fear, or out of wanting to get something for myself. Total bullshit. Yet everyone was telling me, that god is real also. So people with certainty have told me about realness of god, heaven and hell and all that bullshit, and about what is ‘possible’ and what’s not ‘what’s changeable’ and what’s not — both of these were of the same damn nature, and were fucked up ideas, beliefs, opinions. How can one do something like that to anyone? Tell them shit that they don’t know, and that was a lot of point of inferiority for me also, because I realized that I don’t know. And so I looked at people who would go on and talk all kinds of bullshit, acting like ‘they know’ as idiots, or that they might know something actually. I tried to investigate shit, and the very act of investigation or working with self, seemed to be so much abstract. I mean, there’s rather no point of talking to someone about change, because usually the person judges you, that you are trying to superiorize yourself, or that they feel attacked or whatever, or they project their bullshit, that they are apparently ‘equal’ to you but have ‘their own methods and individuality with dealing with things’. This is really fucked up.

And when I look at this point within myself, that I don’t really talk to much to many people, because those kind of reactions. And there is Desteni, people who simplistically point out the obvious common sense. Now after some time working on myself while using the support, materials provided by Desteni — I don’t really get fucked up by this idea. Because before people would tell me often things like, “i am thinking to much” or that “I am deceiving myself, because it’s impossible anyway”, and/or ironically saying that “you’re trying to change the world”. But I mean this is the most common sense that can be applied. I used to perceive it to a point of a trait of ‘personality’ that I have defined myself as. That I want to “change” something, or that I am this “rebel” or that I am “not accepting something, and looking extensively for stuff”, because people would address it as a trait of personality. But what the fuck — seriously, is it really a trait of personality to want to solve a problem? I mean how much fucked up and deluded are we as a group (humanity)? What the fuck is wrong with us? Solving a problem, dealing with a existing issue is a personality trait? WHAT THE FUCK, seriously, how I have gone to believe such bullshit, and how I have allowed myself to define myself as such bullshit. That it’s apparently something ‘special’ or ‘weird’ to deal with what is going on, or try to understand it, or try to change it. Common sensically, how can you not deal with that, and not try to actually understand what is going on, and what actually I/you have accepted and allowed myself/yourself to be, and all that is there connected to that in all the dimensions. Because if something gets excluded or separated then how can it be real? Since the act of not taking something in consideration is the very act of ‘denying’ reality as it is, and constructing something artificial for the sake of having control over it.